Does any of this sound like you?
- You're fine for a week, then a song in a shop undoes you.
- People have stopped asking, and you still think about them every day.
- You feel guilty for laughing, or for not crying enough.
- You keep going over what you could have done differently.
- You're grieving something that isn't a death: a relationship, a pregnancy, a version of your life.
What's actually going on
Grief is love with nowhere to go. It isn't a problem to be solved, and it doesn't move in a straight line through stages.
Many people move between two modes: facing the loss, crying, remembering, and stepping back from it to get on with life. Both are healthy. Getting stuck in only one is what makes grief feel frozen.
Some losses are harder to grieve because others don't recognise them: miscarriage, a death after a long illness, an estranged parent, a breakup. Grief that isn't acknowledged tends to linger.
For a smaller number of people, grief stays intense and disabling for a long time. That isn't weakness, and it responds well to support.
An unsent letter
Writing to the person or thing you've lost can give feelings somewhere to go.
- Set aside twenty minutes somewhere private.
- Write to them directly. What do you miss? What do you wish you'd said? What are you angry about?
- Don't edit or reread as you go. Spelling doesn't matter.
- Afterwards, do something gentle and grounding: a walk, a shower, a cup of tea. Keep the letter, or let it go. Both are fine.
Small things that help
- Saying their name, and letting others say it.
- Marking anniversaries in a way that feels right to you, not just to tradition.
- Letting yourself have good moments without treating them as a betrayal.
- Accepting practical help, even when it's hard to ask.
When it's time to talk to someone
Any one of these is reason enough. You don't need to wait until things are bad.
- A long time has passed and the pain feels as sharp as at the start.
- You can't do daily things, or you're avoiding everything that reminds you.
- You feel life has no meaning without them.
- The loss was sudden, violent or traumatic.
- You're thinking about joining them. Please call Befrienders KL on 03-7627 2929 today.
How therapy helps
Grief therapy isn't about getting over someone. It's about finding a way to carry the loss that still lets you live.
Our practitioners may use talking, Emotion-Focused approaches or, with our art psychotherapist, clay and painting, which can help when words aren't there yet.
New to the terms? Read the plain-words glossary, or see what happens in a first session.
What people ask
How long is grief supposed to last?
There's no correct length. Many people find the sharpest pain softens over the first year or two, while the loss stays part of them. If it isn't softening at all, that's worth talking about.
Can children come for grief support?
Yes. Some of our practitioners work with children and teenagers, and can also help parents talk to their children about a loss.
